Now I’m sure this can go for many teams, but I’ll take you on a trip of what it’s like to be a Bears fan watching 3 hours of football every Sunday.
Pregame Coverage Picks the Bears to Crush the Vikings
I’m feeling good, yeah we looked kind of terrible at times last week, but we WON baby! 1-0 feeling like this could be our year. Yes we may have gotten lucky you naysayers, but they don’t ask how, they ask how many at the end of the year! Got my nachos let’s go, BEAR DOWN!
Opening Kickoff goes for a 105-yard touchdown for the Vikings
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?! (Blood Boils) We are CLEARLY the worst team in football. It’s the freaking analysts fault man, talk us up like we’re actually gonna be something. We’re 1-0 AND WE GOT LUCKY! We’re no good and everybody knows it, say hello to a 1-15 year Bears fans we absolutely suck and our Special Teams has gone completely downhill. I bet Hester fumbles our kickoff return; he hasn’t done anything since 2010 anyway.
Hester responds with a 76-yard return giving the offense great field position
Cutler leads a drive all the way to the end zone finding Martellus Bennett for the TD
Yeah buddy, that’s what I’m talking about. The NEW Bears offense! Did you see Kellen Davis out there? No? EXACTLY, Martellus Bennett is the greatest offseason acquisition the Chicago Bears have ever made. He might even get 20 Touchdowns this year. My god we’re Super Bowl bound and Jay Cutler is our franchise QB! You know who wouldn’t have caught that TD pass? Kellen Davis. (Super Happy)
Bears get the Ball back and Alshon Jeffrey gets 38 yards on a wide receiver reverse
This Trestman guy is a GENIUS! The misdirection was flawless! Alshon Jeffery man, I’ve always said we need to get him more touches and look what he does when he gets one! He’s the BEAST! Well Brandon Marshall is the BEAST…So Maybe Jeffery can be…THE OGRE…..No that’s not a very good image….how about the WOLVERINE! YEAH! That sounds fierce! He’ll make plays all year guarantee it! (Happiest Day Ever)
Cutler hits Brandon Marshall for another TD
MVP! MVP! Heck let’s give BOTH guys the trophy! Marshall’s only the greatest receiver of all time and Jay! Why did we ever doubt the awesomeness of Jay Cutler??? (Christmas has Come Early)
Cutler gets sacked by Jared Allen and fumbles the ball, which Minnesota takes back to the house to tie the game.
THIS IS WHY!!!! HOLY S*** JAY COULD YOU BE ANY WORSE??? (Blood Pressure Skyrockets) No of course not. I mean when I’m getting tackled by one of the best defensive players in the NFL I love to have the ball in one hand and just beg him to knock it out of my hand. Oh they took it all the way for a touchdown? Oh rats, now I have to pout. (Angry Jay face) Jay you’re worthless and why we might lose this game to the freaking VIKINGS! Good Rex Bad Rex? Heck it’s Bad Jay and Awful Jay.
Hester answers with an 80-yard kick return
THE MAN THE MYTH THE LEGEND!!! IN HESTER WE TRUST!!! I’m sure Jay will find a way to ruin this happy moment…(Surprisingly Happy but Cautious)
Jay Cutler throws and interception on first and goal from the one
YOU HAVE GOT TO BE F****** KIDDING ME!?!?!?! WE RUN IT ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE ONE YARD LINE AND THEN WE PASS THE BALL??? (Blood Pressure Soars…again) OF COURSE WE DO, because we’re the BEARS! NOTHING EVER HAS TO MAKE SENSE! The ghost of Mike Martz got into the headset? What in Ditka’s name is going on?? We don’t even deserve to win this game, I hope we don’t, we’re awful. (Christmas has been stolen by Jay Cutler)
Tim Jennings Picks off a Pass and returns it for a TD
Oh defense, you’re so beautiful and you’ve been so good to me over the years. I feel like every time Jay tries to give me a heart attack, I run crying into your arms, you’re always there for me. I always believe in you. (Grateful)
Christian Ponder hits Kyle Rudolph for a TD to tie it back up
Really? After all those good thoughts I send your way, you treat me like this? The defense has finally hit the senior citizen stage! We’re not going to be able to stop anybody and teams will score 40 a game against us! (Betrayed)
Robbie Gould hits a FG to give the Bears a 24-21 lead
Good as Gould (Feeling Okay)
Where’s my heart monitor? Have the EMTs ready.
Jay Cutler throws second interception trying to force it to Brandon Marshall
JAY YOU STUPID SON OF A B****! (Which is entirely unfair, I’m sure his mother is a very nice lady) WE DIDN’T NEED A 50 YARD TD RIGHT NOW!!!! DO YOU NOT HAVE EYES?? THE SAFETY WAS PRACTICALLY INVITING YOU TO THROW THE BALL NEAR MARSHALL!!! How are we EVER going to win with this guy at QB. (Jay Cutler has now stolen every Christmas for forever)
Vikings have two impressive drives that result in FGs 27-24 Vikings
We’re going to lose to the Minnesota….Vikings….and Adrian Peterson hasn’t run for 250 yards. We are the worst team in the NFL. We don’t deserve to win this game and probably won’t. (Sadness Setting In)
Matt Forte has ball ripped away from him for fourth turnover of the game
(Sobbing and stuffing my face with chips and salsa)
Vikings hit another FG 30-24 with 3:16 to go
If Hester doesn’t take this to the house, we’re doomed.
Hester returns it to the Bears 34
We’re doomed. (Solemn Acceptance)
Cutler’s first pass hits official on the field and drops incomplete
Oh yeah, this is how a defining drive for the Bears would start. One chance, one drive, and the official gets drilled with the football. Sounds about right….for once I agree with Jay… GET THE F*** OUTTA THE WAY!!!!!!! (The world is against us)
Cutler Seems Calm Cool and Collected as he goes 3-3 on 3rd down hitting Brandon Marshall twice and Martellus Bennett for the third conversion all the way down to the Vikings 16 and Cutler spikes it with :22 left
Oh my dear lord, if you can pull this off Jay, I’ll take back everything I’ve ever said about you (including insulting your mother) and promise to never ever ever doubt you again!! (Hopes rising)
Cutler misses Alshon Jeffery, 3rd and 10 with :16 left
OF COURSE, I SHOW HOPE IN YOU FOR ONE SECOND AND YOU TEAR MY HEART OUT AGAIN JAY! Don’t you dare tease if you can’t please Cutler. (Hopes crashing)
HALLLLEEEELUUUJJJAAHHHHH!!!!!!! JAY YOU’RE THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME!!! WE DON’T NEED BRADY OR MANNING OR BREES, WE’VE GOT JAY CUTLER BABY!!! NO ONE ELSE COULD HAVE MADE THAT BACK SHOULDER THROW WITH SUCH PERCISION AND POWER! AND WHAT A CATCH!!! I’M NAMING MY FIRST SON MARTELLUS!! (Pure Ecstasy)
Bears strip kickoff returner and end the game with a Cutler knee. Bears Win 31-30
YESSSS YESSSSS YESSS!!!! 2-0 BEAR DOWN BABY!!! ALL THE WAY TO THE SUPER BOWL!!!! BRING IT NEXT WEEK STEELERS!!!!!!!! (Best Day Ever)
Oh man, I need a nap and a shower. No one except my dog is allowed to talk to me for the rest of the day while I watch the highlights of the game for the next 6 and a half days. (If we would have lost, I would have avoided ESPN like the plague)
Yeah, it’s a good life being a Bears fan.